#dont enroll into a science highschool

[d-velleity]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCHOOL IS STARTING IN 20 DAYS....,.,.

NO THIS TIS CANT BE CHAT.,.,,... LAST SY WAS LITERALLY DEPRESSING ALREADY AND HAD BEATEN THE COMPLETE CRAP OUT OF ME, AND THIS SY WILL PROBABLY BE EVEN WORSE OH MY DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"n-no.. 20 days..?"*I quickly dropped to my knees, my hands trembling* "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING...!! I-IT'S HAPPENING TOO FAST!" *I yell desperatley as tears pour down my face, my hands dropping to the ground, "heh.. well chat.,.,,.,....𝓰𝔂𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓫𝓪𝔂𝓸"

i need to make more friends in school like none of my classmates were as skibidi(relatable) as me like what the sigma. im actually so done if my class dont get more artists bro its over for me

[teeto-peteto]

Question for the RK AU, if that's alright? Bit of a loaded question but I'm curious. How did the gang get together?

Ok welcome back dearies i wasnt dead i was wandering my head around this ask.

Its been some time i dont write coherently i made some notes but here it is:

Illaoi's mother and Pyke's parents attended the same church since they were kids hence why they know each other, althrough Pyke grew to reject the religion Illaoi is still very passionate about it, they both attended the same school as kids. Abigail knew Illaoi's mother and so Sarah and Illaoi became friends in the sense of 'that one kid we play with at the park while moms are having their coffee'.

At the same time both Illaoi's mother was aware of Abigail's relation with Gangplank's family was troublesome. Pyke wouldnt tag alone to Illaoi and Sarah playdate at the park until his mother gave permission for him to go always accompanied by Illaoi's mom. Making them a 'trio' of funny kids but it was rare ocassions Pyke was allowed to tag along.

In the meantime Braum doesnt live on the same city but in a village close by the mountains around 4-5 hours of car far from the main city. Lives with his family and there's not really much educational opportunities, to wich parting to the city was an idea Braum developed early on his early teenhood age.

Yasuo lives with his mum, dealing with the passing of his father figure (something he will later relate to Sarah's pain). His relation with his brother Yone slowly withered by the pass of time and as the new reality of single parenting and death of a loved one settled, they dont interact much now despite living under the same roof, althrough Yasuo has good relationship with his mother.

Yasuo and Ahri (and thecnically Yone too) met on the conservatory where their parents enrolled the kids when they were young. Ahri is an adopted child who lives on the outskirt of the city in a more privileged household. There she learned to play violin, while Yasuo learned to play the flute, they technically know each other since they're kids but never really spoke, just Ahri ocasionally waving at both brothers and Yasuo responding back with a waving of his own, a small crush he started to feel during those ages he tried to supress.

After highschool they all enrolled to the same school for baccalaureate (...thats what word reference says, but im unsure if thats understandable. Basically after highschool where you pick either art/science/humanities to then go to the university or other more complex studies).

Wich made Braum finally move in the city by renting a flat alongside other students in the city. After Abigail's death, Sarah lives by herself under the roof of a students residence. Illaoi still lives with her mom and her mom's partner. Ahri can come by car first driven by her parents and eventually by herself once she gets her liscence. Yasuo remains the same aswell as Illaoi. Pyke decides to leave his parent's home for independence, a hard decision that made him work part time while also doing his studies and renting a flat with the little money he makes.

By the time school year starts Sarah and Illaoi already know each other, alongside with Pyke to wich they catch up on all the stuff that has been going on. Yasuo stumbled upon Ahri on the same classroom, and decided to sit together to be comfortable around the new students, althrough this made Yasuo's crush develop even more. Braum, despite not knowing anyone, remained cheerful and kind.

They all coincide on the same classrooms in general subjects. On specific subjects Sarah wants to study any branch related to politics, to wich she chose humanities subjects, wich made her stumble upon Braum, who also chose the same subjects for him to study child education. Althrough his personality seemed to crash to Sarah still mourning soul, he actually manages to crack a smile on Sarah, enjoying to have him around and as a support for these subjects while everyone is on other branches. After the firsts days of classes she presents Braum to both Pyke and Illaoi and accepted him as part of the group.

The others decided to go for science focused subjects to study different branches after it. Pyke goes for marine biology as Illaoi decides for personal training studies (like P.E. teacher/gym trainer etc), sitting together. Curious about the oddly shaped bags Yasuo and Ahri carries around for conservatory after class, Illaoi asks what instruments they play. Marbeled by the music Illaoi grew fond of the pair of students, while Yasuo's unability to pick what to study and his lazy personality struck a cord on Pyke, wich also made them to group in, while Ahri is interested in studying psychology. Eventually the group consolidated as now they sit togehter on the general subjects, Yasuo's love for alcohol made Sarah quickly friend him, aswell as Ahri cheeky but sweet personality made everyone quickly accept her to the group aswell.

Is this a school/highschool/university/whatever AU? yes and no. Althrough school is a good chunk of it i dont want to focus entirely on it. They have silly shenanigans inside and outside the school and i dont want the school to be the only escenario, althrough its the place the group consolidated.

[werebutch]

certified major loser here‼️im 20, been in college since i was 15, should have a bachelors degree already and very much do not, we rockin w an AA and technical program. i’ve dropped out like three times 💪 im not sure what college situation you’d be in (community vs uni, state vs private) but honestly the biggest things i’ve learned from trying and failing a LOT is that… it’s all chill. everyone’s at least a little scared and confused, mistakes are part of the learning experience, not knowing smth or asking a question doesn’t result in a duolingo bird level instakill (idk if that even made sense). there’s more of a sense of community than not because we’re all pretty much in the same boat. a lot of profs are nerds about what they teach and want you to know about it very very badly bc of that (i.e., ask questions. all of them. any that pop into ur head). i wrote a paper about Lil Nas X for cultural anthropology and my prof remembered me two years later. there is an incredible amt of freedom: with most general degrees, you can take whatEVER the FUCK u want roughly whenever the fuck you want so long as it falls into natural science, math, social sciences/humanities, or phys ed. you are more than allowed to drop a class, change your major, take more or less credits than expected, graduate a term early or late, pretty much anything. go ham. like 80% of my elective credits by choice were biology classes. queer lit was a baller time and counted for english cred. i’m gonna wrap this up bc it’s so long— don’t take anything before 9am (you’ll suffer), check the credit requirements early on so u have a vague idea of what to take, ASK FOR HELP WHEN U NEED IT whether it be a prof or advising services or the damn cashier’s office, expect to walk a fucking shit ton if it’s a larger campus, CHECK RATEMYPROFESSORS, enroll as soon as classes open, do NOT shirk your language classes if you didn’t take them in highschool, for the love of god bro don’t take more than a full time course load (15 credits at most institutions). yes, you could probably do it alright, but that is the DEVIL TALKING saying you’ll be fine. sorry this so long but i’ve been doing this so long i have so much to say. if u want more specific advice just say and i’ll be back‼️—local professional loser idiot with no bitches, no money, and a toy car collection

Hi sorry I read this, was comforted, and then didn’t respond..SO SORRY.. I’m doing community but I plan to transfer after 😸 I will probably end up taking a lot of biology and hopefully I’ll get an art class in next year.. right now I only have 4 classes in total cause I tend to be a bad student and I wanna feel it out. LMAO. I’m mostly scared about doing really bad and not being able to keep up with assignments but the only one who can truly help with that is myself SO WE WILL SEE. I’ll try my best. Cause seriously I have no idea what I’ll do if I dont.. thank u for this btw I hope you’re doing well 😸♥️

[tojipie]

not to do W fics so u Dont have to answer lol but what subjects did u need or grades to do oceanography?? i’m curious abt it Tbh but i’m not even sure if anywhere near me does it

it’s not my major it’s just a class i take so there were no requirements :D it might be offered as an elective at whatever school u go to. if you’re a bio major it is likely to be an offered course + planetary science and environmental science also have a lot have courses that revolve around oceanography ! it is a very specific branch of bio though so i doubt you’d be able to do only that as a course of study </3

in highschool i did ap enviormental and a couple ecology and marine bio dual enrollment classes and that def helped me during the college app process

[mekatrio]

got reminded of jins wretched tweets so instead of acknowledging them i will write down myyyy future mkd headcanons, set 2 years after the ending in a perfect utopia where they dont keep their powers

ayano: working towards getting her highschool diploma, still unsure of whether she'll pursue higher education, and what field she would pursue. works as an assistant teacher at a local kindergarten, and lives w the mekatrio + mary in their old home

kido: currently finishing up her highschool education via whatever alternative method she was doing back when she lived w the tateyamas (likely some non-standard tutoring for special needs kids). is also taking music lessons from shintaro, specifically for bass guitar and piano. works part-time at a music store in order to challenge her anxiety, bc she wants to pursue a degree in music once she graduates hs

seto: not pursuing education. got a full-time job at a flower shop, and volunteers often at an animal shelter. is thinking about volunteering at a zoo.

kano: finishing his hs education the same way as kido. is thinking abt following ayaka's footstep and pursuing a degree in anthropology/archeology. has taken kido's role as the primary homemaker, much to the chagrin of mary (they spend more time together now, meaning mary gets teased by him more. but she fights back!)

mary: now that the people she lives with have resumed their education (kano and kido dropped out after ayano's death), mary also feels incline to study along with them. she has no plans to pursue education formally, but just by talking with them and looking at their materials, she also becomes more knowledgeable and curious abt the world. she works part time at the flowershop with seto, and accompanys him to the animal shelter sometimes. she also has short hair now!

momo: quit being an idol, and is just a regular highschool student again. hiyori and hibiya began attending the same school as her this year, and the three of them are good friends. shes thinking about pursuing fine arts in uni. it makes her extremely relieved and happy that there are people who love her art, even if she doesnt have any powers to attract them

takane: not pursuing education, and is taking it easy instead. her grandmother had sadly passed away while she was ene, due to the shock and grief of losing her granddaughter. takane moved into the hideout with haruka and shintaro. she does some freelance repair work, where people will remotely send in their broken items, and takane will send them back fully repaired. bc she was a computer program for 2 whole years, she now has an intuitive understanding of computer science, even if she cant turn into ene anymore. (and shes better with software than hardware, but she can do both). she also livestreams anonymously on the side to make a decent amount of cash. some people theorize that shes lightning dancer ene, which she vehemently denies. oh, and shes dating haruka!

shintaro: enrolled into an online university this year, and is working towards getting a degree in music. hes still very anxious, but he gets a lot of support from the mkd, which helps him a lot. to the joy of all the members, he Finally released a completed song. it didnt perform very well online, but hes ok with that. kido (and secretly takane and kano as well) are huge fans of this song. kido always hypes it tf up. hes currently working on completing an entire album. hes still too anxious to hold down a proper job, but he makes some decent cash from giving music lessons to kido. and hes in a 'will they wont they' situationship with ayano LOL (they "broke up" but still hv feelings... its messy. but ayano visits the three of them and stays over very often). and ofc he visits him mom and sister nearly every weekend

haruka: just like takane, hes also taking it easy. while takane chose not to reconnect with her parents, haruka decided to meet his father again. it was very emotional and heartwarming, haruka's father was a big help in helping haruka, takane, and ayano reestablish their legal identities + overturn their death certificates without getting the press involved (the cover story is that kenjirou had kidnapped them + faked their deaths). haruka's health still needs to be monitored, but his illness is no longer terminal. he is a freelance artist + photographer, and quest-stars on takane's streams every now and then 😁

hiyori: moved to the city with hibiya to attend highschool. her parents got her an apartment to stay at, but she also wrangled her parents into sponsoring/giving hibiya a place to stay as well, threatening them w something or the other (something like 'hibiya almost DIED that time so you have to let ME keep an eye on HIM') so they live in the same building lol. she visits ayano and her siblings frequently; after kenjirou's death, hiyori's parents met ayaka's children at the funeral.. it was awks but not in a super bad way. hiyori's parents are grateful that they took care of her during that summer, so they kinda look after them now too and arent as super estranged anymore. hiyori is thinking abt pursuing literature in uni after she graduates hs.

hibiya: scored a scholarship that allows him to study in the city (hiyori got this too). being in a timeloop has made him less fucking insane abt hiyori and now they are actual down to earth good friends. its nice. momo bullies him a lot at school but its whateves. hes thinking abt actually studying geography once hes in uni.. leaving his village for the first time that summer taught him that theres so little he knows abt the world, so he wants to learn about it as much as he can.

and some additional notes:

momo ended her career with a lot of fanfare, having a very successful farewell album, doing a farewell tour, taking loads of ads deals, etc, before finally pulling the plug. this all made a decent amount of money, money which continues to help her family out even 2 years later. shintaro moving out and living w harutaka also helps a lot too. also, she hangs out w the mekatrio + mary often

shintaro received a scholarship for his uni degree

kenjirou had set aside a good amount of savings for his children, which they currently still use to live off of. seto, mary, and ayano also make a decent amount of money combined which helps with living costs.

haruka, takane, and shintaro make a decent amount of money together... tho haruka's father gives his son a generous amount of money quite often, which the three of them use to sustain themselves haha

all in all, all of the mkd live comfortably, and visit each other frequently ^_^

[cyncerity]

Another au cause I fell asleep whoops

this one is primarily vore based to woo

I’ve also thought it out the most, so it has the most writing and I hope everything makes sense.

Lab Twins AU with somewhat sizeshifters Wil and Techno

Lab made twins that can’t breathe without making direct contact with the other. One can be normal sized while the other is small, and they can switch this at will. They can only be the same size at about 2-3 feet tall, and this is how they were the majority of the time at the lab (since they were younger they also would have been about 5 inches-1 ft tall at the time). After leaving the facility they switch to always having one person big while the other is small, and actually forget that they ever knew how to be the same size since they have forgotten almost everything about the lab because of trauma.

The twins also have storage units for each other since constantly holding the other is inconvenient as hell. So when one is big and they can’t be making skin-to-skin contact with the other, they’ll just nom them. They are both able to hear whatever is being said to the other, and only the other twin can hear them while in there. They also both experience the same thing, like the same pain sensations or hunger. That being said, if one eats the other doesn’t have to (which sometimes sucks since they have different taste in foods).

Tommy finds Wil and Techno hiding in the woods after they had just broken out of the lab they were made in. Techno was bigger and Wilbur was smaller since Techno is more athletic, so Tommy takes them home and they get adopted by his dad, Phil.

Phil runs the local highschool and enrolls both of them, telling their teachers that both twins only do one half of school per day and cyber the other, but they really just swap off in the middle of school during a lunch period, putting the other in their storage and movie on with the day. The first half of the day consists of music classes, history, math, and political sciences, all of which are Wilbur’s talents. The second half is gym, cooking, and literature analysis/english classes, which Techno is better at. Both of them are enrolled in clubs, Techno being the president of the fencing club and Wilbur running an after school band/hangout club. (They also both swap in school whenever they want to. Techno has on multiple occasions bribed Wil to pretend to be him when he had to do a speech in class).

They both also have different friend groups. Techno hangs out with Ranboo, Skeppy, Dream, and Phil, while Wilbur kinda just hangs out with everyone (primarily Tubbo, Jack, George, Schlatt, and Quackity, who he has a healthy rivalry going on with) because he’s popular and Techno is antisocial (Tommy hangs out with both of them but that’s a given because he’s their brother). Niki is the only one who knows both of them personally, since if a lot of people knew both of them it’d get kinda suspicious that they’ve never been seen in the same place. Niki does find it suspicious, but she doesn’t want to pry into other people’s business.

Schlatt can also tell that somethings up because sometimes Wilbur acts just differently enough that only he apparently notices, and he doesn’t know why, but at this point whenever “Wilbur” starts acting “weird,” he treats him differently. So Schlatt unknowingly has a very different relationship with Techno and Wilbur, and the twins certainly aren’t going to correct him, especially since him and Techno don’t talk that often (usually only if he runs into Techno on days when Wilbur wants to skip history, which becomes more often since Techno thinks it’s fun talking to Schlatt). Quackity, on the other end of the spectrum, doesn’t know Wilbur has a twin. Most dont, but it’s effected Quackity the most. Cause one day when he just went up to Techno and started making joke threats because he though he was Wil, Techno started making joke threats back but sounding significantly more intimidating than Wil. The twins have decided it’s funnier not to tell Quackity.

[uriel-ignatius121]

More Shadantis?? Shiro/Adam/Lance/Curtis is my new OT4

[i am loving this ot4 but i am having a hard time figuring out what i want for their personalities? Like we barely know Adam and Curtis - but it is safe to say that they are awesome dudes because, in VLD canon, Shiro loves them - even with the drama of Kerberos and Adam... but this is my happy-ish AU and i write the rules, and canon is my bitch now - all the ages are different because an institution like the Garrison should enroll people as young as 18 for programs like being a pilot or space explorer etc. Programs for highschool level can exist but just teach you general classes - but leanings towards sciences?? idk.]

Shiro and Adam met first, enrolling into the Garrison around the same time and got into similar pilot programs - though Shiro was more interested with going further than just being Fighter Pilot.

They were roommates and slowly got closer and closer - and then they started dating. Shiro was pretty much an overachiever and thank god Adam was around to nag Shiro to take a rest or eat between studying. Adam was content with his current position and place in life, but he worries about Shiro a lot since he was going to Space a lot and he was visiting the Medical Wing more times than usual.

Lance enters the picture when he enters the Cargo Pilot program at 18 years old with ambitions to move on to be a Fighter Pilot. Shiro is an instructor for basic flying between Space Missions while Adam trains the fighter pilots.

Lance has a huuuge crush on Shiro and practically worships the ground he walks on. When in need to extra help with his classes, especially in improving his simulation scores, Lance was too shy to ask Shiro for any help but he keeps visiting the Instructor’s Lounge or pass by Shiro and Adam’s room.

Adam notices though because he isn’t as oblivious as Shiro and he calls out to Lance one day to offer to tutor him.

Adam is impressed with Lance’s tenacity and charmed by his loud and bright attitude. Adam can see that Lance was very much capable of achieving whatever he puts his mind to, he just needed the occasional confidence boost and praise, which Adam can gladly give in buckets just to see those blue eyes sparkle.

Shiro soon notices Adam spending more time tutoring the younger Cadet and how happier Adam is after his sessions with Lance. Shiro started paying attention to the aspiring Fighter Pilot. He was happy to see the cadet’s scores improving since being taken under Adam’s wing. Shiro also started to see the happy-go-lucky cadet be the friendly, social butterfly he was and how that no matter what assortment of team members he got assigned with, he was able to adapt and adjust accordingly to be as useful and effective as possible.

Adam started out as bestfriends and then best friends who dated but they havent really explored much beyond that in terms of exclusivity. They very much love and care for each other and will like to keep being in love and happy through any means necessary. Shiro was much aware that Adam might be feeling a bit lonely, their schedules never meeting right and Shiro’s missions taking months away from planet... the possibility of seeing other people was never off the table.

They soon have a talk about it, Adam’s feelings for Lance and what Adam believes the depth of Lance’s feelings for Shiro.

 After another tutoring session, Adam asks Lance to stay a bit longer. Lance is curious what this was about and he stays, right after sending Hunk, his roommate, a quick text that he might be late for their study date.

Adam suddenly invites Shiro into the room and Lance starts to feel like a cornered rabbit, but he is quickly reassured by the 2 Instructors what this was all about - inviting Lance into their relationship. First, Lance was totally shocked that his ‘unattainable’ crush and his tutor he was low-key flirting with were dating and second, they want to date him as well...

Lance request that he needs to think this over, he is still confused and unsure... but he promises to give his answer soon.

Lance goes to talk to his sister Veronica who worked at the Garrison as an Analyst. She smacks Lance on the backside of the head for not knowing Shiro and Adam were dating despite being a Shiro fanboy. The 2 siblings have a heart-to-heart, Lance finally admitting to someone who was not Hunk that he was bisexual and very much interested in dating guys - specifically these 2 guys who very much want to date him as well.

Veronica tells Lance that she loves him no matter what and she supports what decision he makes and when he does open up to the rest of the family. She also reassures him that if Adam and Shiro do anything to hurt him, she’ll make sure that their next flying exercises will be hell.

After the weekend, Lance comes with his answer and the comfy duo become a trio... much to Keith’s annoyance that the loud kid from his early flight classes is dating his sponsor and a guy he considers as family.

Fast forward through Shiro’s diagnosis (i dont think his illness would kill him instantly? maybe like cause muscle and nerve damage that would lead to paralysis if left untreated which would cause complications like respiratory distress and other organs and body systems failing), the sudden increase of Shiro’s missions despite his condition, the planning of the Kerberos Mission, Adam and Shiro’s big FIGHT (which Lance was very much concern of Shiro’s well being but Adam isn’t venting his frustrations to the younger man so he is unaware of the fight), the Kerberos mission and the crew’s disappearance, Lance trying to stay strong for Adam and himself, Keith’s expulsion from the Garrison and Lance jump into the Fighter Pilot program which Adam doesn’t instruct anymore because of the stress and depression from Shiro’s ‘death’, Shiro’s sudden ‘return’ and the finding of the Blue Lion.

Adam was at first distraught at hearing Lance’s last call, about founding Shiro but that there is something bigger going on and that he will only come back once everything was okay and he has Shiro by his side.

Adam trusts that Lance and Shiro will care for each other, he is happy that they have each other - Adam doesnt have high enough clearance to be informed of what happened that night, but he meets Lance’s sister who fills him in.

Fast forward some more through the story - Shiro is the captain of the Atlas, Adam is the Commander of the MFE pilots, and Lance is the Red Paladin, the SiC of Voltron.

The MFE pilots are working closely with Voltron while the Atlas stays as back up and support. Shiro is very much inexperienced in leading a group of this scale, a whole battlehip - but he needs to think about the lives that need saving all across the Universe as well as those he cares deeply about. He tries to keep his voice steady and clear and his aura of that as a strong leader... but there are times he feels alone, he is far away and way too busy to be with his friends and lovers. Shiro befriends Curtis, one of the Senior Officers chosen by Commander Holt to be part of the Atlas Crew. (Curtis is younger than Shiro & Adam but older than Lance)

Curtis has more experience in working with crews and ships of this manner, not of the scale of Atlas, but the protocols and basics are there. Shiro usually confides with all of the crew of his limitations in knowledge regarding being the captain of Atlas’ kind, but mostly to Curtis who was always happy to help. Curtis becomes more attuned to Shiro, as he wishes to be as helpful to the Captain as possible, he makes sure that the bridge functions as smoothly as possible - even asking Veronica’s help, which will cost him. He makes sure Shiro is aware of his scheduled meetings with the higher ups and his dates with his boyfriends, checking with the Red Paladin and the MFE pilots’ CO (he also starts to get to know Adam and Lance here as well). Curtis slowly realizes that he was developing feelings for Shiro... his captain who already has 2 boyfriends that love him fiercely that one them even traveled to Space for him.

One day Curtis walks into the bridge, accidentally interrupting some discussion Shiro was having with Adam and Lance. He quickly excuses himself but Shiro calls him back.

Curtis keeps his head lowered, looking at everyone’s feet instead of their eyes. He feels outnumbered and out of place, worried that they know of his feelings for the Captain and that they want to tear him a new one for even daring to even imagine being with him. He is startled by the hand on his shoulder, a friendly pat coming from the Red Paladin of Voltron, he receives a warm smile from him and a friendly greeting and reassurance that he has nothing to worry about.

Curtis looks at Shiro who seems bashful, but looking at him with curious eyes. Adam was the one to break the silence, explaining to Curtis what the current situation was - that Shiro has feelings for Curtis and thinks he might fit well in their little family, that Lance and Adam agree. Shiro and Curtis talk about it further, with Adam and Lance as an audience.

Similar to Lance, Curtis wants some time before he can give them an answer, and with that they all separate to return to their jobs, though Shiro and Curtis are awkward about it at first - they ease back into their roles with work as their main focus.

After a night thinking it over, Curtis calls for all three of them when he says yes, he wants to date them.

And the steadfast trio becomes a family of four

[eliellieely]

These days are more pleasant but not enyoyable.

I had a dream in this  morning right before woke up. I was in online clases and the class i enroled was mathematics. I dream that someone was helping me with some differential ecuations wich i dont know what was it neither in the dream, but I was so exiting to ear that lovely voice in english which was dialoguing with me and helping me to complete a homework. Then some confusing things happend in the dream that finally I finally went to the classroom to take the course. But in the classroom were only 3 students. all were mexicans and 1 of them was a girl. The other two guys were defenetively not so handsome and any of their voices were similar to the guy on the phone that helped me. I was a little dissapointed.

  We had a little presentation to know each other. The three students already know themselves, and they ask me my current professional occupation and my age. I told them first to guess my age, because I noticed that their appereance was a little childish and younger than me except for the girl. They told me I look similar to their age, maybe a little older than the girl. Then I told them I was postgraduate studies in nanoscience and that I'm 24 (idk why i told them that). they look me with atonishment. And I told them that I think they were freshman college students.  But they told me they really didn't. That this course of mathematics was offered for highschool students who were interested in a major in science and engeenering. They were only seventeen and eighteen. I was so amuse that the kids were such a genie/nerdie crew because, because I was so worried I didn't understand the class and math in the course at all. then the sit on our desk in the classroom and wait if there were other students and the teacher. But then suddenly entered a new guy. He was taller than us and his skin was darker than mine, but lighter than the others. He was short brown hair with some gray strays in the front. he sat in front of me. In front of him was sit one of the young students. He say his greeting and I seem they know each other from before. The young student in front presented the guy in front of me as Newt, and he said he was nearly the same age as me. I was staring at him because I was in blanc, trying to remember how I knew this cute guy from before. Newt said "We already know each other, right Elizabeth?". He said it so brightly and happy that I realized he was not angry or annoyed with me, that I was been forgiven and he was ready to treat me like someone you luckyly encouter again. 

The I realized it was Newt and it was so exciting to meet him again. He told me he didn't ever think that I was interested in study machine-learning and I replied to him neither I think he was interested in programming too. I noted that we were happy that we were together in the causality of that space and time. Then something confusing happened in the dream and ther we were Newt and I in the lobby of the family home, while my sister was studying on the computer and Newt and I were chatting about what was of our lifes all these years, why his hair is brown with some gray hair strays and not black, and he laughing at me at how I was in blanc staring at me in the classroom before. 

That was a nice dream. After dreaming I was thinking of how I felt in in the dream. One, I don't want to be in love. That only the efemeral presence of somone special its all I need to feel happy for the moment.

Two, I miss Newt so much and someday I will meet her again and tell her

all the things what happend and ask him all the things that he got through

these years. Three, I don't dislike math at all.

[freelyhauntedqueen]

I am Me

I was raised by different people that's makes me different. So let's go back from the start. I was born in a simple house in the farm on the third of march in the year of the tiger, 1998 in Baroy Lanao del Norte. I have two sisters and one brother. We are all 7 in my family including my parents. I was happy being innocent, playing in the river, field of rice, riding the coconut to slide. I started my youth there everything was so happy and enjoy. Happiness has an end i need to step up in life. I started my first grade in Limuag Elementary School also part of the Baroy. There everything is new, that time i found out that the place is big or huge its not that in our house only. I met a lot of friends met a lot of ne things and also as I step up i grow up not physically but mentally. That first grade was not ao memorable coz i only remember is to play around. Then vacation comes I was I mean we was introduced in my Father side family. My father decided then, that we must move for good. He thinks its better for us, specially for the future because its near in the school not like in the place i was born is not that civilized and the school is too far that we need to walk for long just to get there. In that reason my mother agreed and for that reason i never felt thag my family is complete. When we move my mother stays in Baroy and we started new life in my father's place in Kauswagan Lanao del Norte. Kauswagan is so different i become ignorant i was amazed by the new things i see. I was igorant how to use washing machine and how the water comes out in the faucet. Everything was so different. When I was enrolled , Im with my brother that time we enter the same grade and section Kauswagan Central Elementary School. We were put in the last section. But its doesn't matter because ouw teacher always complementing that we are smart. As years pass and move to another grade i was put in the first section but we are no longer batch with my brother for the reason i was held back in third grade because i missed my mother that time so i went back to my mother's place and stop my study but father is eager so i went back. Years passes in my last grade in elementary was so memorable I fell in love i had best friend . Playing and made a lot of mistakes. In my sixth grade while playing catching i accidentally scratch my classmate that time i was afraid because he is totally hurt there's even a blood in it. He also my crush that time. I dont know why i was afraid , seems nothing to him but i was so nervous what if his parents knew then i will be scolded. Graduation is coming, well its first graduation for me im always attend in the practice i even position in a good spot everyone is so excited so do I. But it changes when I knew that no one is coming for me to attend my graduation so I didn't attend too. Before graduation i went to my mother place and stay there. There's this a sister of my Father wanted to take me and to be responsible for my study for the future, she wanted because she and her husband cannot produce a life. Its like adopting me but not literally. Then in my mind i want it, its a yes for me but my mother disagree because its too far my mother has lot of what ifs. My mother even took all of my things and me to keep me but my father argue and push his decision so i went to my Aunt, her name is Mercedes. It's true that's its really far, almost ten hours travel. But for me its nothing i really like to travel and to explore new world. The world that i never expected, in Zamboanga Del Norte is a totally new world to me. Its hard to talk at first for the reason i didn't know anyone. When i enter new school its a university, Jose Rizal Memorial State University most oc my classmates there are rich coz most of their parents are professional. There i learn to dance though elementary days im already dancing. But that dance made me a connection to my first boyfriend he teaches me til we fell to each other. That's almost end of the school year but it doesn't matter because iur house is near since we live in the university campus, my aunt was so against that time she didn't know til they know in unexpected way. When it came to second year high school, its changes and also challenge our relationship because my Aunt wanted me to transfer to other school though the reason is not that but for them to take care the business. My aunt has a business in other municipal in Liloy Zamboanga Del Norte. There i was transferred in Second year second grading is a National Highschool. I enrolled BV there without bringing any requirements though its really needed but my uncle made a connection so i was enrolled sad to say i was put in the second section. That time in the second year theres 10 section still lucky because i was not put in the lower. Then when another year come I prove it that i deserve a spot in the first section so i move to the first section I enter in the choir and made to a science camp.My fourth year high school is so boring, we dont have prom for the reason last year prom was so dull of issue because lot of students got pregnant. I dont know why but i lost interest in my study I dont get either good grades. Graduation comes we were not so happy because we are not wearing a tog, we are the batch that full of unluckiness. After graduation we celebrated in Dapitan we went to fanasyland and Rizal Shrine. The ride in Fantasylans was so breathtaking i even get totally scared in their Horror House. College come I went back to the first school I enter in Zamboanga Del Norte the JRMSU also know as Jose Rizal Memorial State University. I dont enrolled my self their my uncle did coz he is a prod in College od Engineering so he do all my paper works , then he chose AgEng or Agriculture engineering. I even absent in the first day, im that spoiled. Im the person doesn't forget easily past are remain fresh to me so when I met my old classmates their its seems nothing changes. Unfortunate happen i made a total mistake that changes my life. Its a matter of pride and future. Then too much pride i made my life miserable i chose to stop my study and went back in my hometown in Kauswagan Lanao del Norte. There I do nothing but "tambay" little assistant in a small store of my aunt. Back 2018 i went back being senior high school in Iligan City National School of Fisheries taking a Humss strand there i met new friends that inspired me and helped me. Im consistent honor student and taking this life more serious and to give importance my study. Now im 21, and graduating.

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JAMES I’m a baby trans trying to get into biology do you have any recommended reading? I’m fourteen but I’m p good at words if you’re not sure how much material to give

MAN thats pretty broad but id say like. probably the best way to get into bio is just pick up any high school/college intro bio textbook, they can be dry but its good if u dont have any previous experience. idk a good highschool level one but if ur up for a little more of a challenge campbell biology is the one we used for intro bio in college (its expensive as shit but i have a pdf i can send u if u want)

then aside from textbooks i kinda just click around on youtube and watch a lot of tedtalks and stuff like that idk. i just start somewhere and see where it takes me

also theres science daily for cool current research, can help u find specific things to look more into (they have subpages for different topics heres biology and biochemistry)

if u can take bio classes at ur high school definitely do that but if not maybe look into dual enrollment and see if u can take them at a local community college? idk how that works for most highschools cause i went to like. a college prep school where the point was to do dual enrollment

sorrry this isnt super comprehensive im in finals hell rn but yeah def message me if u want that pdf or just to talk abt whatever!!! good luck with getting into bio its the coolest thing in the world

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything.  I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage. 

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo.  Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though. 

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of.  Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all. 

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though.  For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued. 

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it.  Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted.  Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me.  Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out.  Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner.  At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him. 

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice. 

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after.  The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult.  I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much. 

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well! 

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks. 

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.” 

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond. 

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends.  Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now.  My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it.  I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes.  It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things. 

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there. 

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret. 

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too. 

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret.  Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it. 

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could.  Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things.  It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends.  Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave  me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am.  One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me.  I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have. 

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when. 

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do.  Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao. 

[lookingformyron]

never straight forward.

well off families wants to marries their kids of to secure their empire. it was a business marriage for the two families. but the kids are not the ones to be placed here and there w/o putting off a fight. 

its been a 2 years since his parents passed away. Ron was struggling to keep the company afloat with what was left. all the stock holders are pullling out b/c they can’t trust their investments on a 25 year old something to make their monies grow. He’s only got a few years in the bussiness, still green if you must. But Ron, like his parents is a business genius. he didnt need those ppl who didn’t have faith in him anyways. but having the rumors that he was going to marry his fiance that was set by his parents only did his company good. he was their wish for him to marry her. he didn’t mind every much, not her or getting married. Ron was the type to not be bother by stuff such as love or affections. its not like he had a bad childhood or anything. but that was just the way he is.

He’s met Mr. Le two years ago at this parents funeral. He knew that man is going to be his father in law one day. Ron was okay with it. He was indifferent. Mr. Le helped Ron stayed afloat and rebuilt his empire, he wanted his daughter to live a comfortable life. although Mr. Le was a cold heart business man, he loves and cherishes his daughter above anyone else in the world. April is now 23 years old, and just finished her undegrad. It took her a while, b/c unlike Ron who had to mature quickly, she took her time growing up. If it wasn’t because Mr. Le pressuring her to finish her studies, she would’ve stilled be in school. April doen’st have any plans for the future. One thing she definately didn’t have in her future was getting marry. 

Mr. Le set his daughter down and gave April the news. 

you want me to marry this 27 something man, that i’ve never met? what if he is abusive? what if he treats me like his servant? even worst... what if he was UGLY? -april  he’s not abusive, nor will he treats you like a servant. and base on everyone around him, he seems to be decent looking. top of the crop for my daughter of course -Mr. Le  but why? i LITERALLY JUST graduate. dont you want me to be independent, find a job. -april  you can do all that even if you’re married. this is not debatable. -Mr.Le is the company in trouble? is that why you’re marrying me off? -april  no, the company is fine. I just want to keep my promise to my friends who’s passed away. Ron is fine young man, with only a little bit of my guidance, he was able to run his parents company into sucess. and with every little knowldge of the bussiness. He was mid-way thru med school when his parents passed. He dropped everything and came back. isn’t that admirable? -Mr. Le stop trying to sell him to me. I dont want to get married. -april  i bought the tickets for you, he’s been over seas for the past comple of years. and i think he’ll be over there for a few more years. Im sending you over there to get to know him first. and if when you guys decided to come back, you still dont want to marry him, then we’ll talk then. how does that sound? -Mr. Le  where is ‘over seas.’ you dont love me anymore, you want to ship me off! is that what it is? -april  vietnam -Mr.Le ARE YOU KIDDING ME? you want me to spend a few years in VN. what am i going to do there? -april  you leave tomorrow at 3. we’ll have lunch before you leave. the maid has already prepare your luggage. if you’re  missing anything, you can buy it over there. if you need anything, he’ll take care of it for you. i’ve already told him that you’ll be arriving. he’ll pick you up. -Mr. Le

and like that april was set for VN the next day. Our princess however had different plans for herself. After bidding her father farewell, april was heading to the airport. but she was not going to VN. April decided to be  make something of herself so that she does not have to reply on her family anymore. what what is she going to do with a biology degree? she didn’t exactly planned it through when she graduate. She just decided on a degree needed the least amount of credit to graduate with. and it was biology. why did she take so many science classes? b/c most of her nerdy friends are pre-med. and she was there to hang out. 

She could be a zoologist, a highschool teacher, or continue with her education. med school? -not smart enough  something in the medical field thought, April always wanted to be a doctor. with that, she decided to apply to optometry school. luck was on her side when she got accepted. and like that she went off grid and started optometry school. 

tha day, Ron was at the airport waiting for his ‘fiance’ to arrive. she never showed. Ron check the flight, she never got on. 

i guess she didn’t care for this marriage as much as myself. That’s good, b/c i can’t afford to babysit some little girl right now. -ron 

he was worried that something might happened to her on the way to the airport. the thing about rich children is that they always have to be careful of being kiddnapped for randsom. he’s experienced it a few time as a kid... since then his parents are every careful with the help they hired. Ron was also enlisted in multiple self defense classes. he hired a private detective to see what his ‘fiance’ is up to. as much as april thought she was ‘off grid’. she wasn’t. it only took the PI a few days to find her. after Ron learned that she enrolled in some graduate school in arizona. and will be there for the next four years. that was to the extend of his knowledge. its a win-win situation for the both of them. 

i guess she’s not that spoiled type to sit idle on her princessy throne like the other girls. 

he was impressed with her. he hired to PI to check up on her occasionally, and only to report to him if anything’s changed. after all he can’t let his fiance run loose. he owns his ‘father in law’ that much. he lied to Mr. Le that day that april has arrived safely. and that he need not to worry. April is in good hands. Besides from learning that her name is apirl, Ron has no idea what she looks like. pretty or not, it was none of his business, its not like he’s can reject her b/c she doesn’t look good. But Ron was not superficial like that. (april might be a little bit)

3 years pass --

April is now in her 4th year and is about to graduate. [she gets loans for the school, living on loan money was a bit of an adjustmnet for her. She cant afford all the nice things like before, but those things never matthered much to her. She do miss the good food, which she splurge on once in a while. so life has been okay for april] she’s relocated to el-paso for a rotation. it was just another ordinary day. when her Mr. Le called... 

fk fk fk, i was able to pretend that iwas in VN for the past 3 years via txts and emails. but why does my dad suddenly have the time to call! and in the middle of a sunday as im in the laundry room!! 

hi dad. how are you? -a  im good, where are you? a few days a go, an old friend of mine said he saw you on his business trip to el paso. and i said no way, your’e in vn. or did you make a trip back and not tell your old man? -Mr. Le el paso? bahaha, your friends are getting older by days. im in vn with my fiance like im suppose to! dont worry. -a are you with him right now? it should be 9am over there, he’s home right? let me talk to him -Mr. Le you want to talk to him... urrr... he’s in the shower. how about i tell him to txt you in a little bit -a  i’ll wait, i need to talk to him about some business stuff anwyays. it’ll be too troublesome via txt -Mr. Le 

shit shit shit. wtfff do i do. -April

as luck as it, there was a asian looking man at the time in the laundry mat. 

are you vietnamese? -april  urr yes -ron  thank the lord almighty! brother, help me out. take this call.  its my father. pretend to be my fiance. just do superficial greetings i beg of you -april 

this girl is mental... -ron thought but before he could say no, april has already pushed the phone aginst his ear

i havn’t heard from you in a while is business good? -mr. Le.  urrr. yes, sir -ron  thank you for taking care of apirl, i know she can be a handful. she’s been spoiled by me ever since she was a kid. i hope you can be understanding. -Mr. Le yes -ron okay, i wont bother you both anymore. come visit when you get a chance i miss my girl. and you guys need to get married officially. its not good to live together for too long w/o getting married if you understand. -Mr. Le.  yes. good bye - ron 

omg thank you so much. that was a close call. -april  if you dont mind me asking, where is your fiance? -ron  idk. i’ve never met him. i ran away before i could see what he looks like. and it doesn’t seem like he cared, to tell my father. so im just going to go along with it. i know its hard to understand, and i dont expect you to. -april  you’d be surprise how much i DO understand. -ron 

and that was their first encounter for a every winding road to find ea. other.